Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
