and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
