There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
