i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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