Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize