You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
