he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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