She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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