i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
