hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He keeps bees of course he's weird
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
