Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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