On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
