Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
