I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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