Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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