I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
