my phone needs a breathalizer
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
