shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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