I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize