he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
