I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
