My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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