I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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