i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize