Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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