Little spoons don't ask big questions
only you would photoshop your dick
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
