i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
