i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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