I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
