Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
then he tried to convert me to islam
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
