I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
