the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
