Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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