For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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