I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
