flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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