So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
