so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
