I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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