i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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