oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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