Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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