WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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