Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
