If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
