im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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