Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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