Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
