I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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