My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
