I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Holy sore nipples Batman
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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