Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
