I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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