grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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