Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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