So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
