we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I can't turn off my feet"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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