I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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