Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
