I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
