Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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