After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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