I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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