god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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