if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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