Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
