we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
