Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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