even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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