All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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